On flying Jetstar

My entire family sticks their noses in the air at the suggestion of flying Jetstar. My father's idea of slumming it is British Airways business class. They snort at the suggestion of sitting 'up the back' as though it is some kind of politically incorrect joke. Five years ago I would have done the same for any of the emerging low-cost carriers. Oh but how my tune has changed.

I will preface this by emphasising my utter hatred of commercial flying in all its forms. It's not a fear - compared with Sydney traffic, the chance of coming to an untimely end somewhere over the Pacific is a complete non-issue in my mind. My issue with flying is the confinement, low-humidity, mind-blowing boredom and spending long stretches enduring the antics of the general public. But here's the thing, it doesn't matter if you're sitting up the front on Etihad or down in steerage on Ryan Air, these things don't change. They just don't. It's when you realise this and make peace with it, that you begin to appreciate the Jetstar offer.

These days, Jetstar is my go-to airline. Why? Cost. Pure and simple. Childless and one half of a double income household, I can afford to fly full service. But I am no mug. As stated, I consider long-haul flying in general to be on par with root canal on the list of feel-good experiences. The less I pay to endure its horrors, the better. I have visited Japan 10 times in 5 years and thanks to regular sales and '2-for-1' offers, have never paid more than $550 for a return airfare. Compare that with fares of between $1100-$1600 on the full-service airlines, and to me its really a no-brainer. I have also taken advantage of their Hawaii (as a US stopover) and New Zealand services to equal delight with the value proposition. Save money on your airfare and spend it on your accomodation or instead. Win-win.

Now, people often cite 'safety' as a reason not to travel 'no-frills'. The fact is, Australian aviation safety laws are among the most draconian in the world (one of the happy by-products of our nanny state), with Australian pilots & their employers hauled before CASA if they so much as sneeze in the cockpit. Despite an Australian media-led attempt to tear down the brand, the Qantas group still has the best aviation safety record in the world. That's enough for me. If you're like me and rate your each of you pilots' landings out of 10, you'll get anything between a 5 and a 9. All good.

My top tips for taking full advantage of the Jetstar experience:

1. DON'T PAY FULL PRICE. EVER.

Keen for a holiday? Subscribe to Jetmail. Jetmail subscribers are the first to know about all Jetstar sale fares, and often get first dibs. Be flexible with your travel dates and wait for a sale - you will not be disappointed. Save even more by paying for your flights online, and avoid payment fees by paying with a Jetstar branded credit card or direct deposit (POLi).

2. THE EXIT ROW

I don't really like sharing this with anyone, but what the heck. Traditionally row 44 in a Jetstar Airbus A330, this row houses what are undoubtedly the BEST seats in the plane (the WHOLE plane). In the olden days securing these coveted seats was essentially a game of roulette - turn up to the airport right on check-in time and turn on the charm with the clerks. Travelling with a companion of significant stature certainly offered the competitive edge in this game, but one cannot discount the old-fashioned method of saccharine grovelling at check-in (more on that below).

These days, the game of Exit Row roulette has largely changed. With the seats now available for selection when booking online, it is really just a matter of being quick on the trigger. There is a nominal fee to reserve these seats (approximately $45) but when you consider the price difference between that and a StarClass fare, well you get the idea.

3. FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD

Food is an optional extra. While I'm yet to meet anyone who has ever selected a carrier based on their meal offering, some people are very passionate on the topic of airline food. As a general rule, I do not dabble in airline fare. And since spending the first few hours of a 2007 trip to New Zealand holding my friend's hair in the lavatories of Auckland International, I tend to treat it with great suspicion. That said, I have partaken of the Jetstar culinary offering in the past with no great outrage elicited by the meal I received. Sure, its nothing worthy of an entry in the travel diary, but it didn't inspire me to write angry letters or anything. Stock-standard pasta/salad/bread roll/cheesecake combos. Best advice? Pack a sandwich, bag of crisps and a muesli bar. Sitting still for 9 hours doesn't require many calories anyway.

4. LOUNGE ACCESS

Happily, Qantas Club members, Gold & Platinum Qantas Frequent Flyers and Chairman's Club members still receive lounge access when travelling Jetstar. A curious concession, but not one you're going to hear me complaining about. StarClass passengers, regardless of Qantas status, also receive lounge access - a particular advantage when departing from an airport without a Qantas branded lounge (Cairns International, for example).

5. TROLLEY DOLLIES

It should go without saying that if you act like an entitled prick or an ignorant bogan, you will be treated like one. Such a simple concept, yet seemingly so difficult for so many Aussie passengers. It is not acceptable to treat airline staff like servants. It is not acceptable to swear at them. It is not acceptable to patronise them. It is certainly not acceptable to chuck a massive tantrum because you have too much luggage/missed check-in/denied service of alcohol/are having a bad day. In my experience? Act in a civil manner towards Jetstar staff, and they will act in a civil manner towards you. Be nice to Jetstar staff, and they will be lovely and accomodating and treat you very well. Arrive on time, pack your luggage properly, remember your pleases and thankyous and you will have a lovely experience. There is no such thing as status on Jetstar, so you will be treated EXACTLY the way your behaviour warrants.

Remember, shit happens - flights will be delayed, things will go wrong. You know this when you book your fare. When you paid rockbottom for your ticket, the old 'THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!' catchcry doesn't hold a great deal of currency. How you handle these situations is a reflection on you, and in many cases heavily influences how far Jetstar staff will be willing to go to mitigate these inconveniences.

6. ENTERTAINMENT

Screens around the cabin show various movies and television show episodes for the duration of the flight (BYO headphones). In lieu of seat-back screens, for $15 one may hire an entertainment unit (VOD) which is programmed with a selection of movies, television shows, destination documentaries and music. Pretty standard, but enough to get you through. My advice? Take your ipad, take your ipod, take a book and before you know it, the seatbelt signs on are on the cabin crew is preparing the cabin for landing.


7. GENERAL COMFORT

You don't get an amenities pack or set of stylin' Peter Morrissey PJs on Jetstar. However you can pay for one, and $7 will get you socks, blanket & a neck pillow - the key to a comfortable flight. A bottle of thick sorbolene in the carry-on (no more than 100mLs of course!) is my personal essential. The price of arriving at my destination not looking like a human dish scourer are the sideways looks I receive when I get around the cabin with a thick layer of Redwin smeared on my face. Cold, dry air is DEATH to people with sensitive skin, so do what you need to do.

A good time, not a long time.

As much as I enjoy consuming blogs with pretty pictures and pretty words, I'm not one for blogging. I'm private, have a terrible memory and carry with me a significant attention deficit.
However I've never kept a proper travel journal, so I'm setting myself a challenge. A complete documentation of my first truly solo trip. 10 days. A good time, not a long time.